I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
