Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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