hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
