Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
