i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm bleeding and have questions
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
