1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
too bad you live with your parents still
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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