and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
