On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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