He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
