If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Randomize
