I am puke
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
