You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
