this boner is exhausting
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
