then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
