I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
