I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
