I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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