im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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