he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
