I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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