So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize