Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
