good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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