Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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