Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
