i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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