you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
