She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
