Buhtt sex?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
