i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
