he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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