So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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