Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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