she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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