highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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