I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
