i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Randomize