i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
