I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
