you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
