are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
