I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
