dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
