He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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