When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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