The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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