Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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