Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
