then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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