Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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