I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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