foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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