Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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