the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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