May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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