i wish my penis had a tongue
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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